Desire

...that delightful urge to do things that might result in children

Every grown-up knows about desire; that delightful urge to do things that might result in children. Desire feels different to every one of us. Sometimes it’s exhilarating. Other times it feels warm and poetic. Of maybe a longing to kiss someone special. And have you noticed that everyone, from poets to rock stars, assumes that desire comes first in the whole process of making love? After which we become aroused, and start doing all those lovely intimate things together.

But in reality, desire is how we feel after our bodies have been aroused. And that’s always triggered by some sort of sensation, such as a touch or seeing someone attractive. Our bodies react almost instantly to something like that, whether it’s seeing a girl we really fancy, or a sexy scene in a movie. Which means our bodies are all ready to go long before the mind’s had enough time to react. It’s never a conscious process, in fact we’re even aroused by a glance that’s too short to notice.

The fact that desire comes after arousal and not the other way round fits into a pattern that’s seen in lots of other areas of our lives. Whether it’s the way we react to an event, like the fear that follows a sudden unexpected noise, or when we’re deciding whether to do something. Long before we’re conscious of having made a choice, like to change gear as we drive, our unconscious brain’s set everything in motion. The feeling that we made a conscious decision is an illusion. That’s especially true of all our bodily reactions, such as getting ready to fight when we’re angry. They’re all unconscious, and desire’s no exception. The emotional feeling, whether it’s fear, anger, disgust or desire, follows our body’s reaction to whatever caused it.

The sensation of desire is also controlled by two quite separate pathways in the brain. One starts the feeling, the other shuts it down. Just like the accelerator and brake pedals in a car. And just like the pedals in your car, they act quite differently. Only an accelerator can get you going. Take your foot off again and you slow down, but stepping on the brakes has a much more powerful effect. The two brain pathways governing desire are just as independent and also have the same sort of effects.

So someone who has a strong accelerator is quickly aroused, while someone who has strong brakes is easily distracted and put off their stride. Someone with a weak accelerator will find it hard to get going, but someone who’s brakes are weak can’t stop once they’ve started, even if the roof blows off! And sadly, a few of us have both feeble accelerators and powerful brakes…

What’s more, there’s an interesting difference between men who have powerful brakes and those who don’t. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with whether they’re easily aroused or not. Men who have good brakes are quite simply turned off by sexual abuse. The whole idea of violence shuts down any feelings of desire they might have. So men are not all the same. Many man are simply incapable of rape. They really can’t do it, even if it’s perfectly clear that they could get away with it.