Low Self Esteem

we all compare ourselves to others, and it’s all too easy to imagine they’re better than us...

How do you feel about yourself? Bit insecure maybe? Always feeling someone else is more successful? Always comparing your achievements, your body, your partner, to someone else’s and feeling that yours leave a little something to be desired?

We all compare ourselves to others, and it’s all too easy to imagine they’re better than us. More talented. Richer. Better marriage. Whatever. So we end up feeling bad about ourselves.

It’s not only inevitable, it’s completely natural. From the moment we’re born, we use feedback from other people to assess the choices we make. The clothes we buy, our hairstyle, the words we use, our ideas. Even the people we go out with! Our feelings about ourselves are formed from the way people react to us. Whether they approve or disapprove of our behaviour and choices. Our opinions are revised in the light of how people react to our ideas.

You can see toddlers doing it, looking for approval from their mothers before they does something. Kids at school are highly sensitive to what their friends think of them. Do your youngsters ever come home moaning about how so and so doesn’t like them…? And think back to the torments of your teens! You worried over every aspect of your life, your boyfriend, the size of your nose, clothes, everything you said. Do you remember how you agonised over every remark your friends made about you? Your whole life and happiness was defined in terms of how your friends reacted to you.

This sensitivity to what other people think is an important part of being human. But it’s a double edged sword. On the positive side, it holds society together. Without it we’d just be a bunch of hooligans. Our need for mutual acceptance and approval draws us together and curbs extreme behaviour. But the downside is that some of us never quite feel comfortable with others, or even with ourselves. We’re constantly criticising our own thoughts and behaviour. Feeling inferior and worrying about how others see us.

And it’s all too easy to compare yourself to the wrong people! Like heavily photoshopped instagram ‘influencers’ and to focus on our own shortcomings. So we don’t notice that actually most people are really just like us.

How do you escape these feelings of ‘low self-esteem?’ It’s not easy. One important step is to stop yourself thinking that everyone else is happy, and that you’re out of line. Because actually, people mostly feel exactly the same as you!

But first you have to see past the image people project of themselves. We all project a ‘perfect’ image, especially on social media. But with practice you’ll find you can pick up how people really are. Because we all send subconscious signals all the time that tell the real story, a bit like the ‘tells’ that leak a poker player's hand to the other players. And the most popular people are the ones who’ve become skilled at picking those signals up. People like being with them because they somehow always seem to know how the folk around them are really feeling. They do. In a way they’re reading their minds. Or at least their feelings!

But it’s not easy. If you have low self esteem, it means you’ve got to consciously replace self-consciousness with self-awareness. So that you can interpret other people’s reactions to you correctly. It’s a skill most of us learned during our childhood and teens. But after that it’s a bit like learning another language as an adult, and very hard work. You’re in good company, though. Because actually, most of us are a lot less confident than we care to admit. But you will succeed!

How you go about the task is very personal. There’s no one answer, and we all find our own unique approach. Because everyone has had this problem at some point in their lives. So instead of worrying about what other people are thinking about you, you need to develop your skills at people watching! Start by practising on people you know well. Family, people at work. Think about what they’re saying and watch their body language, facial expressions and so on. And don’t assume they’re happy just because they’re smiling. Be aware of your own emotions, and look for signs that other people around you are feeling the same. They probably are! Talk to close friends about your feelings, and theirs, and compare notes.

You’ll find that as you become more outwardly focused your own self image no longer bothers you nearly so much. It’s really true. Especially as you become more sensitive to other people’s hidden feelings and better able to understand your own. Of course, you’ll still have things about yourself that you don’t like, such as a bad temper maybe. But from now on, accept that that’s the way you are, and that lots of people have bad tempers! Work on ways to improve, if you feel you should. Take your time, it’s difficult. But by concentrating on increasing your sensitivity to other people, and on the things you’d like to change about yourself, you'll end up as someone you really like!

And don’t forget, we’re always our own biggest critics. So make a habit of thinking about yourself in positive terms. If something’s making you feel bad about yourself, figure out why. Avoid ‘friends’ who put you down, or who make you feel envious. And express negative feelings about yourself in terms of what you’re going to do about them. Or turn your mind to something else. Something you feel proud of, a good relationship or an achievement for example.

And enjoy yourself! Studying people, and yourself, is the most interesting subject in the world!