Every couple has a lot they need to talk about together. But when life becomes too busy, the talking often stops. And so you start living parallel lives. Still living in the same house, but saying little beyond agreeing who’s picking up the children tomorrow.
And before long your relationship starts to fall apart. Because you’re not telling each other what’s bothering you, or what you need.
The first thing to go is often the sex. Because we forget just how much great sex depends on knowing what you both want. Neither of you can possibly guess what pleases you both, so you really do have to say it out loud.
You didn’t have much difficulty talking when you first met, did you? But sometimes the skill fades away, and has to be re-learnt. Because to live together happily, couples need to be able to reveal themselves to each other, fully and honestly, every day of their lives together.
Fortunately, it’s easy to start again once you realise it’s missing. So, every day, just before your bedtime, have a small snack together, sit close, no phone calls or messages, no screens, no distractions, and talk for half an hour. At first it’ll seem artificial, even slightly crazy. But the habit will quickly take root again, once you make it part of your regular routine.
Take turns saying how much you appreciate something that your partner’s done. We rarely talk about what we appreciate in our partner, yet it’s impossible to have a happy relationship if you don’t! So think about what you value in each other, and tell each other what matters to you both.
Take turns telling each other something about your lives, to help you both understand your moods and experiences: ‘I’m not looking forward to work tomorrow…’ Take turns asking about anything you don’t understand about each other: ‘Why were you so down yesterday?’ Or ask a question about yourself: ‘I don’t know why I got so angry last night.’ You might not find answers, but it’ll definitely help you understand each other.
If something really important comes up, agree to have a separate session to concentrate on that topic alone. Give each other a day or so to prepare for the conversation, so that neither of you feel ambushed. And meet in a more businesslike setting, like at the dining room table. Definitely not one of your intimate spaces, like the sofa or your bedroom. Have an agenda, make a pot of tea, open a packet of biscuits, and take notes. Your preparation, and the feeling that you’re holding a ‘meeting’ will help you solve the problem, rather than arguing or criticising one another.
During your bedtime snack, tell your partner about anything specific that bothers you, without blaming, and ask for what you want instead. ‘If you’re going to be late home, please call me. I worry’
Talk about your wishes. Anything from the trivial: ‘I hope you don’t have to work late tonight’ to important dreams: ‘I’d really like to go back to college someday.’ The more you talk about your dreams together, the more likely they’ll come true. Talk about your anxieties and fears, especially anything from the past. Mostly we suppress our past anxieties, but it’s better to bring them into the open. Because we understand things that happen today in terms of what happened to us in the past. And because partners lived different lives before they met, there are inevitably all kinds of misunderstandings, and disappointments when things don’t go as expected. How often do you hear ‘I don’t understand women,’ and ‘You can never please a man.’ They reflect unfulfilled expectations from the past that have never been dealt with.
And we transfer those expectations onto our partners, who of course don’t know we have them. The result’s endless problems. Because you’re unhappy with your partner about something someone else did.
With practice, you’ll soon be talking together again. Expressing your appreciation of each other, understanding one another, and agreeing changes you need to make. And it may sound corny, but you’ll soon be emotional close again.